Lessons from Ella: Everything Changes

My friend Nathan (awesome musician, check him out here http://www.afterzmusic.com/music.cfm) wrote a song called "Everything Changes." He was right. I think everything changes in our house about every second. Ella Jan slept through the night after about four weeks. Awesome, right? She started taking naps, eating and sleeping on a schedule, and smiling at everything!!

She is awesome!

 So over the past 6 months so much has changed. One blessing is that Jason got a promotion! God is good. After much prayer, consideration and one more Christmas working retail, we decided I would be a stay-at-home mom for a while. Last week was my first week at home. And everything changed again. Ella went from a smiley, sleeping, scheduled baby to a crazy, fussy, crying, unhappy child. Now don't get me wrong. She still smiles.

But sometimes she also just looks at me like I am crazy.

I've learned over the past week that everything changes, and fast. Now she may just be going through a phase and may wake up from her nap (yes, she is actually sleeping right now) and smile huge and keep smiling all day, she may also wake up sleeping. I will cherish these changes (even the hard ones) and appreciate God's faithfulness in these changes. 

Who is in control?

After I gave birth to Ella, I suffered with post-partum depression. It was pretty bad for about a month. During this time I became obsessed with the idea that I was going to die. Everything feeling I got I thought meant my life was about to end. I am so thankful for all the prayer and support our family received through that time. Three different people said almost the exact same thing to me while I was dealing with these emotions and fear. They said, "Now is the time to believe what you have always said you believe." That stuck with me, especially because three completely unrelated people made this statement to me. I have claimed for many years to be a Christ-follower. I have quoted verses, preached about trusting God and said I was a Christian. All of these statements were true, but now I was faced with overwhelming emotion that I was allowing to control me. It was time for me to believe and live out what I've always said and preached. With God's help and guidance, I was able to do this. Sometimes it is still a struggle, but turning to Him is the answer.

'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26

Now is the time to do what we say we do. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6

I share this now because of the reaction Christians have had to the election. I think it is ok to be frustrated and angry (a healthy anger). But now is the time for us to believe what we have always said we believe. God is in control. He will protect us. He is in the business of doing miracles. Let's band together as believers. Let's pray for our President and our country. Let's remember who is on the throne. And let us remember who put Obama into office. 

"He changes times and seasons;

    he deposes kings and raises up others.
He gives wisdom to the wise
    and knowledge to the discerning."

Daniel 2:21 

Praying that Obama and the other leaders learn to serve with this knowledge and discernment. 

Women's Rights

My mind has been going crazy for the last 24 hours. Ever since I voted yesterday, I've had a sick feeling in my stomach. God delivered me from intense anger two years ago, but there is one thing that can bring that anger back up in my stomach and that is politics. I can handle most ignorant comments from either side. I have swallowed my tongue quite a few times, but there is one issue that I will address and that is abortion, disguised as "women's rights." People often say that if we take away abortion or overturn Roe V. Wade we will be taking away a woman's right to choose. People forget about the tiny little women who have no voice. On December 1, 2011, my life changed forever, and for the better, by finding out I would give birth to one of these little women. Did I know at the time that Ella would be a woman? No. Do I know now what kind of grown woman she will be? No. But God knew and He knows the answer to both of those questions.

"You have searched me, Lord,

    and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you."

Psalm 139:1-18

When we allow abortion to continue, we take away the rights of the unborn, both male and female. Girls, teens and women alive and well want the right to choose whether they kill another human being that is growing inside of them and is a part of them. We often forget that most of those women (and I say MOST) had a choice before they got pregnant. Some chose to have sex before they were married, some chose to have sex without birth control, some chose to have sex knowing the risks it would cause them. What about those choices? People do not want to be held responsible for their decisions, they want an easy way out. That is where a lot of the problems in our country stem from, but most of those other problems do not involve the life of a helpless human. 

Now I know all of the arguments for abortion. Some are hard to refute. What about rape, incest or life of the mother. I do not have a pleasant, tie it up with a bow response to that. My heart breaks for those women. I pray for restoration and healing for them. But they survived an event I cannot even imagine. But their baby, whether they wanted that baby or not, will probably not survive another tragic event, the end of their life in their mother's womb.

The next argument does not break my heart, it starts a burning anger in the pit of my stomach. The baby is not really a human, it is an embryo. When I went in for my ultrasound at 5 weeks pregnant, there was a heartbeat. There was a tiny little peanut on the screen with a beating heart. When I went in for my ultrasound at 18 weeks, sweet little peanut became Ella Jan (though that was decided long before 18 weeks). No person now or will ever convince me that life does not begin at conception. It does. People can try to make themselves feel better about innocent human life being taken, but it will not change the fact that there is a beating heart.

Yesterday I went to bed crying because I voted for someone who was pro-choice. A day that I knew would come. It broke my heart. In evaluating discussions I had with many people over the past few weeks, I realized that a lot of votes are based on selfishness. This made me evaluate my voting. If Barack Obama was going to overturn Roe V. Wade would I have voted for him? I guess I cannot say for sure, but my answer at this moment is yes. I now and will most likely will forever vote for the most pro-life candidate. I am determined to give a voice to those who do not have one.

I know that this post may offend some. I won't apologize for that. The truth offends.

My inspiration

I continue to learn so much from my little inspiration. I have to make so many decisions for her and not care what others think. She is teaching me to not care what anyone thinks but God. He is the one who that matters. I need to trust Him in how to raise my sweet girl, not everyone that surrounds me. If I try to please everyone around me, I will fail.

This became obvious at church a few Sundays ago. Before church even started, someone told me Ella was too hot, someone told me Ella was too cold, someone asked me why I was talking to her (um...because she is a person) someone said she had bad allergies (the pediatrician says we could not know that at this point). And finally, the last straw, a woman said, "I don't know why you young girls insist on putting those headbands on your girls' heads. They are probably squeezing them and hurting them and they can't tell you." I proceeded to respond, "Yes, she knows how to tell me. She can scream..."

So, if I tried to please all these people Ella would be naked on top and have tights and sweat pants on the bottom, she would be ignored by her mom, be getting allergy shots and continue to be called a boy because apparently  unless she has a headband on, she looks like a male baby!

I learned from this scenario that I just need to ask the MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE for answers. Of course, I can hear the advice of other people, and sometimes I even ask for it, but ultimately God gave Ella to me and Jason for a reason, because He believes we can care for her. Not only did God write Jeremiah 29:11 for me, He also wrote it for Ella Jan!

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity."
Jeremiah 29:11

As far as I can tell, Ella likes her hair accessories. And she has inspired me to start a business with my friend. The Lila-Pop Shop! https://www.facebook.com/TheLilaPopShop

Thank you, God, for giving me a new inspiration! Your beautiful Creation. 

Lessons from a newborn

This is Ella

Ella Jan

There are many lessons to be learned from Ella. I will discuss two of these lessons today. The first one I did not learn directly from Ella, but from having her. People don't tell you the whole truth. This is sort of a joke, but also true. No one explained to me that once I gave birth, nothing would be normal again. I knew that a lot would change, but I guess I did not realize EVERYTHING would change! When I said this to one of my close friends, Nicole, through tears the other day, she patiently looked at me and said, "Molly, I could never explain to you what this was going to be like, you just have to live it." Wise, wise words. You can't explain motherhood until you have experienced it. As another wise friend, Beth, said, "It is the hardest job you will ever love." I adore my sweet Ella Jan. She is an amazing gift of God, and that brings me to my next lesson that this amazing bundle has taught me...something about our relationship with God.

Faith like a child....
If you grew up going to church, you probably have heard the idea of coming to God with faith like a child. I "knew" what this meant for years, but until having Ella, didn't really get it.

As I was rocking and feeding Ella one day I started thinking about how much she trusts me. Completely and 100% she trusts me. She believes I will meet her needs and take care of her. Ella had this faith as soon as she was born. She will continue to believe in me and trust me until I fail her. When she stops having faith in me or her faith waivers, it will be because I make a mistake.

God revealed something to me that day. When I don't have faith in Him, when I question if He will take care of me, I'm telling Him He has failed me. There has been some point in the past when He made a mistake and did something to make me not trust Him. God has never failed me and He never will.

Deuteronomy 31:6

New International Version (NIV)

⁶ Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

This is why God wants us to come to Him as little children, because those children come without baggage. They believe and trust with no question. They have complete faith.

Mark 10:13-15

New International Version (NIV)

¹³ People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. ¹⁴ When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. ¹⁵ Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”

I need to be Ella in my relationship to God. I need to cry out to Him when I need Him and have complete faith that He will answer me and provide for my every need. Jesus' blood never failed me yet.

Motherhood

(If you follow my sister-in-law's blog, I swear I started writing this before she posted about Willow's birth)

The adventure of motherhood begins the second the stick has two pink lines (or has a positive sign or whatever the heck brand you buy...) but you don't get what it really means until the baby is here. The first 9 (technically 10) months I spent worrying about Ella. I read books, read way too many opinions online and had things planned out. My water would break after working all the way to my due date and labor would be fantastic. Then I would stay in the hospital for 2 days and skip out to the car with my sweet bundle of joy to an organized and clean house to begin this next amazing journey with Jason.

The only thing that worked out in this plan is that I'm on this amazing journey with Jason and that our daughter brings so much joy. Aside from that, once again, God showed me that we can plan all we want, but ultimately He is in control and it is just better to submit to that off the bat. Obviously, I had not.

As stated in previous blogs, I was put on semi-bedrest in the middle of May. (not in my plan) I wanted our sweet baby so much, that it was fine. I would do what I had to do. I would stop working and I was going to lay on my left side as much as possible.

I commented on this situation in the blog "worrier." So I don't need to go back there. Fast forward a few months. I had made it past 35 weeks, which was what the doctor wanted. Let's go right to July 17. I had a doctor's appointment in the morning. My mom came with me (I stopped going by myself when I had to frantically find someone to drive me to the hospital one of the six times I went to get monitored). They decided to do the ultrasound first. After laying there for 15 minutes I knew something was up. The tech told me she had passed 2 of the 3 parts of the ultrasound but we needed to wait 15 more minutes and if she didn't move or her if she did and her heart rate didn't go up the doctor would probably send me to the hospital for monitoring. She was breathing and her heart was beating, but she was still considered in "slight" distress. 15 minutes went by and she didn't move so it was time to talk to the doctor. After 10 minutes the doctor turned the corner and said "Ready to have a baby?" Um...I thought I was but not so sure anymore, plus, this isn't what I planned. I still have 25 questions to ask and a cervix to get dialated! But alas, I was going to be induced! It is funny how badly I wanted Ella to be here, until they told me it was time, then I thought "hm...maybe there is something else I could have done to get ready?"

My mom and I drove to the hospital in the midst of texting and calling (JASON, WE ARE HAVING A BABY TODAY!!). When I got there, they put me in a room and hooked me up to the monitor, checked me, no dialation and said we will probably do cervadil, that has to stay in 12 hours and then pitocin to get labor started. BOO. This is not what I planned. Suddenly, Ella's heart rate spiked. It was staying between 190-200 for about 15 minutes. I had to then put on an oxygen mask and lay on my left side. Her heart rate went back down and the nurse let me know that before we did anything Dr. was going to watch the monitors until her office closed and then come talk to me about our options. This was about 2 PM (we had gotten there about 1 PM). 4ish rolls around. She has been moving and her heart rate went down, but now it wouldn't go up when she moved and this was also a problem.

Doctor showed up, explained what we would need to do for me to go into labor (and explained that she wouldn't be there for at least 24 hours) or I could have a c-section. First of all, NONE of this was in "my perfect plan." Second of all, why was I paying the doctor if it was my choice (now that I am rational I understand why, technically, the baby wasn't in distress and it wasn't an emergency so she couldn't make me have a c-section). I cried. Got some advice from family and then Jason and I prayed together and talked it through. Ultimately, we decided to have the c-section. We called our doctor back into the room to let her know our decision and ask her opinion. She thought that I would end up with a c-section after terrible labor anyway because she didn't think Ella would tolerate labor. This conversation happened around 4:30 PM

From the word "Go" everything went so fast. I  had amazing nurses and awesome doctors. God overwhelmed me with so much peace the entire time. I didn't feel anything (not even the tugging they said I would feel). Jason was amazing and Ella was born at 5:58 PM on July 17, 2012. She was 8 lbs. 1 oz. and screamed like crazy (Jason kept saying, "That's the best sound I ever heard")

Recovering from a c-section is difficult. I am so grateful for our nurses, family and friends. God is so good. Jason helped so much in the hospital and my recovery was not nearly as bad as other people.

Nothing about Ella's birth day was how I expected it would be. To be honest, I thought it was going to go terribly wrong and something was going to be wrong with one or both of us. God decided He had a different plan and oh am I thankful He is in control and not me. I will write more about the adjustments of motherhood as time goes on. For now, remember that no matter how things are going or what we expect, God's plans and purposes are far better than our own!

First Family Picture

Mother and Daughter

Daddy loves his girl

Ella Jan

Worrier.

If you follow my blog, you will realize I am a worrier. If you have known me for more than one second, you know I am a worrier. This is not a fun thing to be. It is not enjoyable. It is also a big fat sin. I have these phases too. I'll be doing really well for a long time and then BAM, crazy worry. I got that BAM about 10-12 weeks into pregnancy (if you ask my nurse practitioner, she would say it was one second after I saw the two pink lines...but details, details). Each stage of pregnancy has brought on a new set of worries.

The brain of pregnant Me: First trimester, miscarriage. Second trimester, make it to 27 weeks...make it to 27 weeks. Third trimester, make it to 35 weeks, make it to 35 weeks. After 35 weeks: When will the baby come? Is she moving? Is she moving enough? 37 weeks GET HER OUT OF ME, SHE'LL BE OK IF SHE IS OUT OF ME! 


Yes. I know. I've repeated verses back to myself over and over. This helps, but not all the time. Being on limited bed rest I think makes it easier to worry. I have LOTS of time to think about all the things that could be wrong etc. I have always been the person who thinks of the absolute worst case scenario, so if something bad happens, and it isn't the worst case scenario, then hey, bonus! I realize that by doing this I am sinning. I am not trusting God. I am not realizing who He is and His faithfulness. I honestly sometimes think to myself, "The moment I start fully trusting God is the moment He will take away something." This is ridiculous. I mean, it could happen, but if that did happen, does that change who He is? That He loves me? That He is faithful? NO! So why do I continue to let satan win, the big JERK!? 


I'm not even sure why I am writing this blog. I started writing it because I hadn't felt the baby move in a while and I was going back and forth about calling the doctor. About 2 minutes into writing this blog she started moving around like crazy and pretty much hasn't stopped! PRAISE GOD! To be honest, I think I needed to get my thoughts out, needed to be honest, and maybe help someone else realize they aren't alone if they worry too. Most importantly, when I write these blogs I try to find verses to go along with what I'm saying. Here is one I've read many times, I may have used it before. I'm using it again. 


"²⁶ In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. ²⁷ And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."

Romans 8:26-28

Point: I can't stop worrying on my own. As I sit here and try to will myself to stop worrying, it doesn't work. I have to ask the Spirit to intercede for me. I have to ask the Spirit to fill me and consume me so my thoughts are not my own. Spirit of the living God, fall afresh on me!