Becoming Less

I called this blog Becoming Less for the double meaning. I started out by sharing my weight loss journey and how God helped me get there. I also wanted to share how by through this process (and others) God was becoming more and I was becoming less.

"HE MUST BECOME GREATER; I MUST BECOME LESS." JOHN 3:30

Pregnancy has brought new meaning to this verse for me. With pregnancy, you don't have a choice. He has to become EVERYTHING. You can do everything right for 9 months and you could lose your baby. You can do everything wrong for 9 months and the baby could be perfectly healthy. That's not to say that I'm not doing as much "right" as I can to take care of this child, but this experience has given me the COMPLETE reality that I am not in control. I've tried for the last 29 years to be in control and for the past 29 years, I have not been in control. I thought I was (and I've definitely screwed some things up by thinking I was), but I have not been in control at all. 

I have discovered this push and pull of feelings. In one way, I love that God is in complete control. I mean, who else would I rather have control over my pregnancy and our baby than the MASTER AND CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE.  On the other hand, it is so scary to not be able to do anything. We have prayed and desired this baby for years and I want them to be ok. On one hand, I know tons and tons of babies born and healthy! On the other hand, I have many friends who have lost children through pregnancy and after. So I am learning one lesson. Not that I must become less and He must become more (though this is true...) but frankly, He must become everything and I must remember....

 I waited patiently for the LORD;
   He turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
   out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock
   and gave me a firm place to stand.
³ He put a new song in my mouth,
   a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
   and put their trust in Him.

 ⁴ Blessed is the one
   who trusts in the LORD,
who does not look to the proud,
   to those who turn aside to false gods.^[b]
5 Many, LORD my God,
   are the wonders You have done,
   the things You planned for us.
None can compare with You;
   were I to speak and tell of Your deeds,
   they would be too many to declare.

 ⁶ Sacrifice and offering You did not desire—
   but my ears You have opened^[c]—
   burnt offerings and sin offerings^[d] You did not require.
⁷ Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—
   it is written about me in the scroll.^[e]
8 I desire to do Your will, my God;
   Your law is within my heart.”

 ⁹ I proclaim Your saving acts in the great assembly;
   I do not seal my lips, LORD,
   as You know.
¹⁰ I do not hide Your righteousness in my heart;
   I speak of Your faithfulness and Your saving help.
I do not conceal Your love and Your faithfulness
   from the great assembly.

 ¹¹ Do not withhold Your mercy from me, LORD;
   may Your love and faithfulness always protect me.
¹² For troubles without number surround me;
   my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
   and my heart fails within me.
¹³ Be pleased to save me, LORD;
   come quickly, LORD, to help me.

 ¹⁴ May all who want to take my life
   be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
   be turned back in disgrace.
¹⁵ May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
   be appalled at their own shame.
¹⁶ But may all who seek You
   rejoice and be glad in You;
may those who long for Your saving help always say,
   “The LORD is great!”

 ¹⁷ But as for me, I am poor and needy;
   may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
   you are my God, do not delay.

Psalm 40

Trials and Blessings

We all go through trials. The beginning, (this is where I am scared), the middle (this is where I ask why), and the end (this is where I wonder if it is the end or the beginning of another trial). Before I was married, I did not go through a TON of trials. Most of the trials I went through were happening to other people. These were people that I cared about, so I learned from them and the trials influenced me, but I was not actually going through them myself.

Then I got married. Some people may chuckle here. I do not think that my trials were a result of my marrying too young or being naive when I got married. God planned it that way. He provided a support for me in Jason. He wanted me to have an earthly support to walk beside me, literally.

I could share all the trials that we went through in the past 6 years and 7 months of marriage, but we would be here for a while. Instead, I will share one, the beginning, the middle and thankfully the end, that begins a new season. A season of blessing and lessons that I am excited and nervous to learn. I will also share how this new blessing is making me become less (though that may be part two for sake of length, and the fact that I need to get ready for work).

This trial began over 3 years ago. One day Jason and I were sitting in the driveway at our rented house in Lakewood (thanks to a trial of our wonderful brother and sister...) and I turned to Jason and said, "I want to be a mom, so we need to go off birth control." Jason turned to me with big saucer blue eyes (which only become saucers when he is shocked) and said, "I thought you told me last week you were not ready for kids and were not even sure if you wanted to have any." My reply, "One time, my sister Heidi told me I'd wake up and suddenly, and I would want kids. She was right. I literally opened my eyes this morning and for some strange reason decided I want to have children..." We debated about this for a while. He wasn't ready. I explained that just because we decided today to start "trying" that we would not have a baby tomorrow. Boy was I right.

I went to the doctor, took the necessary steps and was warned by some that it may take up to a year, and warned by others that with the history of fertility in my family I would be pregnant by next month. And so it began, the many "words of wisdom" of people trying to help and giving you opposite advice.

We tried for a year. Went back to the doctor. She said after 12 months of "trying" I would now be considered "struggling with infertility." At this point, we had some choices to make, start infertility testing, and the options that came with that, or keep doing what we were doing. We decided to wait. (There were many other trials going on, dad sick, husband laid-off etc...) Timing did not seem right.

Over the course of the next few years, God worked on us in many other areas. The entire time, going through other trials, this one was still in the back of my mind. For me, I had ups and downs. I had times when I could not attend baby showers because it broke my heart. I yearned for a child. (Jason did not really get this. Men have different feelings about children than women, not wrong, just different). He would hold me and pray for me. Through this time God placed amazing women in my life. Women who struggled with the same thing, who gave me advice. Women who chose different options, some invitro, some nothing, some adoption. I learned a lot about what we should do and what we should not do (side note, don't stop trying. This was the FUNNIEST piece of advice anyone gave me. Stop trying. Um, if I stop trying I DEFINITELY will not get pregnant).

 After a few years of praying, waiting and other areas of life "falling into place." We decided to start testing. At this point, I had lost weight and become much healthier, through the wisdom of people and through God's hand, so we both thought my body could handle a lot more. Even before we got testing, we went into the doctor's visit with decisions already made. This was an EXCELLENT piece of advice we got from someone. Decide before you go in, because whatever result, you want to make the decision that God has led you to, not doctors or your emotions.

The advice of our wonderful nurse practitioner was to start testing with Jason. Easier, quicker and least invasive. We did. Results were not surprising, but disappointing. There was only a small percent chance of us having children naturally, unless Jason got a minor, outpatient surgery, which would cause the percentage to come up. Ok, not the best news ever, but not the worst news. At this point, last spring, we decided that we would wait until January 2012, when we knew we could upgrade our health insurance and Jason would get surgery.

Throughout these months, I continued to have ups and downs. The downs came at really random times. And satan liked to whisper lies to me. "You aren't pregnant because you will be a terrible mother." "You aren't pregnant cause you are supposed to adopt, but you will never have enough money." "Jason doesn't really love you anyway, so you don't want a baby with him." Most of the time, I would tell him to go back to hell and tell myself the truth. God is faithful and He knows the desires of our hearts. I knew I would be a mom. I didn't know how it would happen, but I knew I would be a mom. So what, maybe this was happening because we are supposed to adopt. Either way, I am ready whenever He is!

December 1st. I went to Community Bible Study in the morning. We were talking about Elisha. His perseverance in prayer. I shared with our group, for the first time, that we were persevering in praying for a baby. I cried. Thought I was past the crying, but I guess I wasn't. My friend, T,  shared that they were persevering in prayer for  a job for her husband. We talked about that again after core group time and then went in for the big "lecture" (doesn't sound as bad as the word lecture...) Another friend, B, gave a God breathed message. "If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31. 3 points: 1.) If God is for us than no nation can come against us. (what is your nation? money, insecurities, health?) 2.) If God is for us, no king can come against us. (who is your king? A boss, spouse, friend) 3.) If God is for us, no laws of science can come against us. (what laws of science? health problems, financial problems, logic?) T and I looked at each other, "well I guess that message was for us." When I got home, Jason was off and we were going to get our Christmas tree, but I needed to do something first. I had been putting it off for a few days because I had done it so many times before with negative results. But hey, if God is for me, no law of science can be against me. I took a pregnancy test. I set it down on the floor and within 15 seconds it changed.


POSITIVE. My reaction actually surprised me. I just got this contented smile on my face and felt complete peace. I thought I would be dramatic, jump up and down and bawl my eyes out. Instead, I just felt joy. Joy brought on by waiting and struggling to trust God's timing. Joy brought on by the fact that this baby (ALL BABIES) are miracles, and that God had to do a healing work for this to happen. There was no surgery, there were no doctors. There was God and His perfect will and His joy in blessing His children when He felt the time was right.

I told Jason that I had an early Christmas present to give him (I am notorious for this and at this point he had already unwrapped two, and it was December 1st). He said, "No," but I explained that he wanted this one early. I showed him the test. His eyes got like big blue saucers and then he got a contented smile on his face. We hugged.

I went back and forth in sharing this story. Obviously, I am overwhelmed with joy and humbled by God's goodness and HIS perfect timing. I am also overwhelmed by many friends who are currently struggling with infertility or the loss of a child and waiting on God's timing in their lives. My awesome sister-in-law encouraged me to blog. She said, "you need to scream from the rooftops about God's miracle." That is why I share this story. I know if you are struggling you are tired of the cliches and sentiments people are passing on. Read this story. Believe that God is the God of miracles right here and in your life.

" ¹ Do not fret because of those who are evil 

   or be envious of those who do wrong;
² for like the grass they will soon wither,
   like green plants they will soon die away.

 ³ Trust in the LORD and do good;
   dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
⁴ Take delight in the LORD,
   and he will give you the desires of your heart.

 ⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;
   trust in him and he will do this:
⁶ He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
   your vindication like the noonday sun.

 ⁷ Be still before the LORD
   and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
   when they carry out their wicked schemes.

 ⁸ Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
   do not fret—it leads only to evil.
⁹ For those who are evil will be destroyed,
   but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land."

Psalm 37:1-9

Thank you, God for your perfect timing

The peanut at 6 weeks

God's miracle at 12 weeks

To Facebook or not to facebook?

A lot of things have been put into question lately. Why do I use facebook? Is that what I am using it for? Why do I have this blog? Is that what I am using it for?  Why do I share so much of my life? Why am I an open book?

God has brought these to the forefront of my mind numerous times over the past week so I am going to put my thoughts onto paper (computer screen).

Why do I use facebook? The actual reason I use facebook is to stay in contact with people. I have family and friends who no longer live near by and it is a quick and easy way to stay in contact with them. I like to hear about their lives and in turn I guess I tell them (and 600 other people, which I often forget) about mine. Am I actually using Facebook for this reason? Yes and no. Because I am an open book (I will address the above question later), I often use Facebook as a diary of sorts. I've learned that is a bad idea. I know what I mean before I write it, but the 600+ "friends" I have do not. Every single person that reads what I write (or what you write) has a slightly different interpretation than you do. Man can this mess things up. Lesson for Molly: Use Facebook for what you really want, keeping in touch with people. Keep your "every second" thoughts to yourself. 

Why do I write this blog? I have this blog because I feel like God wants me to write about the things I have learned and continue to learn. Is this why I am using the blog? I think so. Yeah, sometimes I do use it as a diary and it may seem selfish or be misinterpreted. When I break it down though, I really think and process before I write and not just put exactly the first thing that pops into my head. Otherwise, it would look a lot like my Facebook status changes. Lesson: Keep writing and processing, well actually, processing, then writing.

Finally, I will answer the last two questions together...why am I an open book and why do I share so much of my life? I am this way, honestly, because I believe that is how God made me. Unfortunately, the positive qualities God gives us become negative. Lesson: Be open, but still, process first.

Moral of this blog for Molly today: Process things. Just because God made you open does not mean you should have no filter at all. In the flesh, I am nothing, in Him I am something. He must become greater and I must become less. 

Renovations

So I have been MIA for a while because WE GOT A HOUSE! 

We are SUPER excited and SUPER blessed! With this amazing new home comes A LOT of renovations! People keep saying, "even after the work is done, the work is never done." This has made me start thinking about our lives. When Christ bought us, we were a MESS! He had to go in there and do a ton of renovations. He had to tear down walls, ceilings, spackle and clean us up! And like a house, the work is never done. Just when I think I've been perfected, God shows me another hole in my heart that needs to be filled with Him. He has been teaching me so much about our lives through this house and I praise the Blessing-Giver!

One of those days...or two or three

Have you ever had one of those days? "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I'm gonna go eat worms." I've been having one of those days. Well, a few recently. The other night I broke down and just started listing all those "woe is me" things. Once again, reverting back to the age of 12. Which is a great age, if you aren't 29! In my head, nothing was going right. No one liked me, we live with my parents, I'm not motivated anymore. Blah blah blah.

Then church happened yesterday. A mission team from our church went to Togo, Africa (mentorleaders.org) this summer and brought back stories of miracles and faith. They shared and God's plan was carried out. Not only on their trip, but in the sanctuary yesterday. The Holy Spirit did a work in that room. He is doing a work in our church. I am so thankful to have been a part of it.

I was humbled yesterday. Humbled that I complain about stupid things when there are children in Togo who don't have food more than once or twice a week. Humbled that God would allow me to participate in such an amazing service yesterday. Humbled by the Creator.

So why on earth am I having another "woe is me" sort of day? I have been trying to put into words how the Holy Spirit moved, but at the same time feeling depressed. My husband has a theory...and I tend to agree with him. God did something yesterday, and is continuing to do something and the devil doesn't like it. I need to cling to what God's word says.


⁶ Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. ⁷ Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
 ⁸ Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
 ¹⁰ And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. ¹¹ To Him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

1 Peter 5:6-11

I am still a 12-year-old

Lately I've been feeling like I am still 12-years-old and I need to pray my way out of it. It is been obvious to me in two ways and when I say this, I don't mean it in a "happy go lucky no care in the world" sort of way. I mean "I want, what I want, when I want it! Thanks!" sort of way and in a "I'm insecure and can't let go of stupid things" sort of way.

I have not posted the dramas of the house search, closing, craziness...but it is one situation that is showing my true 12-year-old colors! We started this search last winter and have been working on getting this one particular house since April. We first were told we were going to close the last week in June. It is now the second week in September and we still have not closed. I want to blame the loan officer, the selling agent and anyone else that has been involved, but I actually think it is my fault.

It is my fault because God is trying to teach me a lesson and I am not getting it fast enough! I am a control freak and He wants me to release control and realize His time is perfection, not mine. My timing sucks. So, I am pretty much just writing this blog to get this stuff out and hopefully release control.

That's all for now. I'll share my other 12-year-old self soon.

"...work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord..."

Something I've been really contemplating is the idea of loving your job. Should we be able to love our job? Should we quit our job if we don't love it? Do we deserve or have "the right" to love our job? Did my grandfather find fulfillment in his job? Why do people work? I could go on forever. I've also been learning through a very wise friend, that our opinions shouldn't be based on our thoughts, but on God's word. That's the truth. First, I will tell you my opinion based on my opinion. My grandfather did not love and feel passionate about working for Armco steel. He had love and passion for his family, listening to good music, fishing  and drinking a nice cold brewskie. He did not find fulfillment in his job, he found it in what he did outside his job. I would love to say that my grandfather spent his entire life finding his fulfillment in Christ, but that did not happen until his last days, but I do think that he had most of it right. He worked to provide for his family and enjoy life outside of work. That's not to say he HATED his job, but it was a j-o-b and they called it that for a reason. I imagine he was pretty positive at work too, not mumbling and complaining with every step, which is really amazing since he didn't have salvation at the time. Makes me ashamed of myself, for calling myself a Christian, yet moaning on an almost a day to day basis about my job. I can only imagine what my grandfather would have been like if he had met Jesus young, thank God I did. So what did I learn from my grandfather's example? That we work to meet our financial obligations and hopefully find a job that allows us to enjoy life outside of work...

My mind has changed a lot about this subject over the past few years, life situations and advice from others has given me the opportunity to really think about what I believe in this area. I read the book, "Just Do Something," by Kevin DeYoung.

It gave me a perspective I had never had before!!

Now, thoughts from the most important place (and my interpretation for food for thought!) 

Do we stop working if we are unhappy? 

 "But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." 1 Timothy 5:8

I believe this means that you work, even if you hate your job, if not working means you cannot provide for your family.

(And don't get me wrong, I think if you are miserable at work, you should find a job that doesn't make you miserable, but I think you should do this while still meeting your responsibilities)

Do we deserve to have a job we love? (do we deserve anything at all?)

 "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life." Romans 6:23

People think they have the "right" to love their job, that they "deserve" to do, for a career, what they feel passionate about. I believe that scripture says we deserve nothing but death and hell, and ANYTHING outside of that is a blessing, even if its a job we hate. 

Should we find our fulfillment in our job? 


I think God loves us, but that doesn't mean our job will give us fulfillment and joy. I definitely think some people are blessed by finding fulfillment in their job, but only living through Christ can we find true joy and fulfillment.


"Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1 : 8 & 9 

If we are focused on that, then we won't be miserable. Now of course, I AM TOTALLY PREACHING TO MYSELF! I'm only now becoming a more positive, optimistic person trying to find contentment in loving Jesus and feeling blessed by any additional good things in my life, so please don't take me the wrong way! I think the Bible is clear that we will have a difficult road as Christians.

 "I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that address you as sons: 'My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when He rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those He loves, and He punishes everyone He accepts as a son.' Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in His holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet, so that that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed." Hebrews 12: 1-12

Why do we work? 

God commands us to work in His word.

"In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, we command you, brothers and sisters, to keep away from every believer who is idle and disruptive and does not live according to the teaching you received from us. For you yourselves know how you ought to follow our example. We were not idle when we were with you, nor did we eat anyone’s food without paying for it. On the contrary, we worked night and day, laboring and toiling so that we would not be a burden to any of you. We did this, not because we do not have the right to such help, but in order to offer ourselves as a model for you to imitate. For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: 'The one who is unwilling to work shall not eat.' We hear that some among you are idle and disruptive. They are not busy; they are busybodies. Such people we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and earn the food they eat. And as for you, brothers and sisters, never tire of doing what is good. Take special note of anyone who does not obey our instruction in this letter. Do not associate with them, in order that they may feel ashamed. ¹⁵ Yet do not regard them as an enemy, but warn them as you would a fellow believer. 2 Thessalonians 3: 6-15

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for his wrong, and there is no favoritism."

Colossians 3 : 23-24

I also believe that God does bless His people. He prospers us and promises us many things.

 "' For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to You. You will seek me and find me when You seek me with all Your heart. I will be found by You,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back from captivity..."  Jeremiah 29 : 11 - 14a




I think this sums up a few points. We need to have the correct motives and the Lord will take care of the rest. 



"To humans belong the plans of the heart, but from the LORD comes the proper answer of the tongue. All a person's ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the Lord. Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans. The Lord works out everything to its proper end, even the wicked for a day of disaster." Proverbs 16:1-4

I need to remember all the ways that He blesses me and that some of these blesses I may not look at as such and all are things I do not deserve and did not earn! 

 "From the fullness of His grace we have all received one blessing after another." John 1:16

I, by no means, think that everyone should take a stinky job that they can't stand and "suck it up." I believe people can love and feel passionate about their job and be totally blessed (I sure hope my pastor feels passionate about his job...pretty sure he does. You will agree if you have ever heard him preach...) I am just trying to point out that the way society, as a whole, approaches work, may be a little off base. I also think that absolutely loving your job and feeling passionate about it is the exception, not the rule. 

  I am still trying to work all of this out in my head. If you would have asked me six years ago about this subject, none of the above would have been written. It is fun to think about opinions and how they change and develop overtime. That is why I welcome other people's opinions and blog but my own, not to offend but put things in black and white to process better and to hear what you think as well!

The two important conclusions I have come to in all of this, when coming up with an opinion, base it on the word of God and no matter what you do, "work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord..."