I've struggled the past seven months. Physically it hasn't been terrible. I wasn't sick at all. I am on blood pressure medication and on limited bed rest, which is wonderful for my tan and not so great for my husband's sanity and our pocketbook, but all in all, it has been a blessed pregnancy. So why don't I LOVE it, because I worry. Every feeling, change and abnormality (which are considered normal in pregnancy and abnormal when not pregnant) I wonder what the heck is going on and if everything is ok with the little sweet girl God is growing inside.
I have some GREAT news though, I woke up today EXCITED! PUMPED! And PEACEFUL! It is the first time in months that I've just had shear excitement about our baby coming into the world. I am so thankful for the prayers of our amazing friends and family and the wisdom God has given the doctors and nurses that have been taking care of me.
Now, I will always be honest about pregnancy and how I feel about it. Some people say "don't say those things, it is a beautiful miracle." I agree, pregnancy is a beautiful miracle. I am not sure I understand how a woman could go through pregnancy and come out the other end thinking there is no God. (I know women who have gone through pregnancy and then a terrible tragedy of losing their baby and they still have come out the other end believing in God). But, I will also say that there are some weird things that happen when you are pregnant. I also think all these weird, crazy uncomfortable things prove even more the existence of God. If these things were happening to me and I wasn't pregnant, my husband would be rushing me to the hospital, but because I'm pregnant, we understand God has my body responding this way for a reason, so we attribute it to pregnancy and move on.
So this blog, what is the point. To be honest, my pregnant, blood pressure medication filled brain isn't 100% sure. It is a mix of opinions and thoughts that might not even flow, but it feels nice to have them out of my head. Though nothing I've said previously may have pointed to this idea, but ultimately I want to say that pregnancy is a miracle, intended and created by God, and even though it feels like Ella just kicked my hip out of place, I am grateful and blessed to have this experience. I thank God for this miracle and pray for those who yearn for it and may or may not experience it. I will continue to say to those who are hurting, that I've been there and God knows and has a purpose and even if you don't have the experience of carrying a baby and giving birth, try to see the miracles He has and will give you (one of which being that someone gave birth to you) Focusing on His miracles will pull you through the sadness!
"You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples." Psalm77:14
Our miracle saying, "Mommy, things are good!"
30 weeks
