Becoming Less

I called this blog Becoming Less for the double meaning. I started out by sharing my weight loss journey and how God helped me get there. I also wanted to share how by through this process (and others) God was becoming more and I was becoming less.

"HE MUST BECOME GREATER; I MUST BECOME LESS." JOHN 3:30

Pregnancy has brought new meaning to this verse for me. With pregnancy, you don't have a choice. He has to become EVERYTHING. You can do everything right for 9 months and you could lose your baby. You can do everything wrong for 9 months and the baby could be perfectly healthy. That's not to say that I'm not doing as much "right" as I can to take care of this child, but this experience has given me the COMPLETE reality that I am not in control. I've tried for the last 29 years to be in control and for the past 29 years, I have not been in control. I thought I was (and I've definitely screwed some things up by thinking I was), but I have not been in control at all. 

I have discovered this push and pull of feelings. In one way, I love that God is in complete control. I mean, who else would I rather have control over my pregnancy and our baby than the MASTER AND CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE.  On the other hand, it is so scary to not be able to do anything. We have prayed and desired this baby for years and I want them to be ok. On one hand, I know tons and tons of babies born and healthy! On the other hand, I have many friends who have lost children through pregnancy and after. So I am learning one lesson. Not that I must become less and He must become more (though this is true...) but frankly, He must become everything and I must remember....

 I waited patiently for the LORD;
   He turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
   out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock
   and gave me a firm place to stand.
³ He put a new song in my mouth,
   a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
   and put their trust in Him.

 ⁴ Blessed is the one
   who trusts in the LORD,
who does not look to the proud,
   to those who turn aside to false gods.^[b]
5 Many, LORD my God,
   are the wonders You have done,
   the things You planned for us.
None can compare with You;
   were I to speak and tell of Your deeds,
   they would be too many to declare.

 ⁶ Sacrifice and offering You did not desire—
   but my ears You have opened^[c]—
   burnt offerings and sin offerings^[d] You did not require.
⁷ Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—
   it is written about me in the scroll.^[e]
8 I desire to do Your will, my God;
   Your law is within my heart.”

 ⁹ I proclaim Your saving acts in the great assembly;
   I do not seal my lips, LORD,
   as You know.
¹⁰ I do not hide Your righteousness in my heart;
   I speak of Your faithfulness and Your saving help.
I do not conceal Your love and Your faithfulness
   from the great assembly.

 ¹¹ Do not withhold Your mercy from me, LORD;
   may Your love and faithfulness always protect me.
¹² For troubles without number surround me;
   my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
   and my heart fails within me.
¹³ Be pleased to save me, LORD;
   come quickly, LORD, to help me.

 ¹⁴ May all who want to take my life
   be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
   be turned back in disgrace.
¹⁵ May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
   be appalled at their own shame.
¹⁶ But may all who seek You
   rejoice and be glad in You;
may those who long for Your saving help always say,
   “The LORD is great!”

 ¹⁷ But as for me, I am poor and needy;
   may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
   you are my God, do not delay.

Psalm 40

Trials and Blessings

We all go through trials. The beginning, (this is where I am scared), the middle (this is where I ask why), and the end (this is where I wonder if it is the end or the beginning of another trial). Before I was married, I did not go through a TON of trials. Most of the trials I went through were happening to other people. These were people that I cared about, so I learned from them and the trials influenced me, but I was not actually going through them myself.

Then I got married. Some people may chuckle here. I do not think that my trials were a result of my marrying too young or being naive when I got married. God planned it that way. He provided a support for me in Jason. He wanted me to have an earthly support to walk beside me, literally.

I could share all the trials that we went through in the past 6 years and 7 months of marriage, but we would be here for a while. Instead, I will share one, the beginning, the middle and thankfully the end, that begins a new season. A season of blessing and lessons that I am excited and nervous to learn. I will also share how this new blessing is making me become less (though that may be part two for sake of length, and the fact that I need to get ready for work).

This trial began over 3 years ago. One day Jason and I were sitting in the driveway at our rented house in Lakewood (thanks to a trial of our wonderful brother and sister...) and I turned to Jason and said, "I want to be a mom, so we need to go off birth control." Jason turned to me with big saucer blue eyes (which only become saucers when he is shocked) and said, "I thought you told me last week you were not ready for kids and were not even sure if you wanted to have any." My reply, "One time, my sister Heidi told me I'd wake up and suddenly, and I would want kids. She was right. I literally opened my eyes this morning and for some strange reason decided I want to have children..." We debated about this for a while. He wasn't ready. I explained that just because we decided today to start "trying" that we would not have a baby tomorrow. Boy was I right.

I went to the doctor, took the necessary steps and was warned by some that it may take up to a year, and warned by others that with the history of fertility in my family I would be pregnant by next month. And so it began, the many "words of wisdom" of people trying to help and giving you opposite advice.

We tried for a year. Went back to the doctor. She said after 12 months of "trying" I would now be considered "struggling with infertility." At this point, we had some choices to make, start infertility testing, and the options that came with that, or keep doing what we were doing. We decided to wait. (There were many other trials going on, dad sick, husband laid-off etc...) Timing did not seem right.

Over the course of the next few years, God worked on us in many other areas. The entire time, going through other trials, this one was still in the back of my mind. For me, I had ups and downs. I had times when I could not attend baby showers because it broke my heart. I yearned for a child. (Jason did not really get this. Men have different feelings about children than women, not wrong, just different). He would hold me and pray for me. Through this time God placed amazing women in my life. Women who struggled with the same thing, who gave me advice. Women who chose different options, some invitro, some nothing, some adoption. I learned a lot about what we should do and what we should not do (side note, don't stop trying. This was the FUNNIEST piece of advice anyone gave me. Stop trying. Um, if I stop trying I DEFINITELY will not get pregnant).

 After a few years of praying, waiting and other areas of life "falling into place." We decided to start testing. At this point, I had lost weight and become much healthier, through the wisdom of people and through God's hand, so we both thought my body could handle a lot more. Even before we got testing, we went into the doctor's visit with decisions already made. This was an EXCELLENT piece of advice we got from someone. Decide before you go in, because whatever result, you want to make the decision that God has led you to, not doctors or your emotions.

The advice of our wonderful nurse practitioner was to start testing with Jason. Easier, quicker and least invasive. We did. Results were not surprising, but disappointing. There was only a small percent chance of us having children naturally, unless Jason got a minor, outpatient surgery, which would cause the percentage to come up. Ok, not the best news ever, but not the worst news. At this point, last spring, we decided that we would wait until January 2012, when we knew we could upgrade our health insurance and Jason would get surgery.

Throughout these months, I continued to have ups and downs. The downs came at really random times. And satan liked to whisper lies to me. "You aren't pregnant because you will be a terrible mother." "You aren't pregnant cause you are supposed to adopt, but you will never have enough money." "Jason doesn't really love you anyway, so you don't want a baby with him." Most of the time, I would tell him to go back to hell and tell myself the truth. God is faithful and He knows the desires of our hearts. I knew I would be a mom. I didn't know how it would happen, but I knew I would be a mom. So what, maybe this was happening because we are supposed to adopt. Either way, I am ready whenever He is!

December 1st. I went to Community Bible Study in the morning. We were talking about Elisha. His perseverance in prayer. I shared with our group, for the first time, that we were persevering in praying for a baby. I cried. Thought I was past the crying, but I guess I wasn't. My friend, T,  shared that they were persevering in prayer for  a job for her husband. We talked about that again after core group time and then went in for the big "lecture" (doesn't sound as bad as the word lecture...) Another friend, B, gave a God breathed message. "If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31. 3 points: 1.) If God is for us than no nation can come against us. (what is your nation? money, insecurities, health?) 2.) If God is for us, no king can come against us. (who is your king? A boss, spouse, friend) 3.) If God is for us, no laws of science can come against us. (what laws of science? health problems, financial problems, logic?) T and I looked at each other, "well I guess that message was for us." When I got home, Jason was off and we were going to get our Christmas tree, but I needed to do something first. I had been putting it off for a few days because I had done it so many times before with negative results. But hey, if God is for me, no law of science can be against me. I took a pregnancy test. I set it down on the floor and within 15 seconds it changed.


POSITIVE. My reaction actually surprised me. I just got this contented smile on my face and felt complete peace. I thought I would be dramatic, jump up and down and bawl my eyes out. Instead, I just felt joy. Joy brought on by waiting and struggling to trust God's timing. Joy brought on by the fact that this baby (ALL BABIES) are miracles, and that God had to do a healing work for this to happen. There was no surgery, there were no doctors. There was God and His perfect will and His joy in blessing His children when He felt the time was right.

I told Jason that I had an early Christmas present to give him (I am notorious for this and at this point he had already unwrapped two, and it was December 1st). He said, "No," but I explained that he wanted this one early. I showed him the test. His eyes got like big blue saucers and then he got a contented smile on his face. We hugged.

I went back and forth in sharing this story. Obviously, I am overwhelmed with joy and humbled by God's goodness and HIS perfect timing. I am also overwhelmed by many friends who are currently struggling with infertility or the loss of a child and waiting on God's timing in their lives. My awesome sister-in-law encouraged me to blog. She said, "you need to scream from the rooftops about God's miracle." That is why I share this story. I know if you are struggling you are tired of the cliches and sentiments people are passing on. Read this story. Believe that God is the God of miracles right here and in your life.

" ¹ Do not fret because of those who are evil 

   or be envious of those who do wrong;
² for like the grass they will soon wither,
   like green plants they will soon die away.

 ³ Trust in the LORD and do good;
   dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
⁴ Take delight in the LORD,
   and he will give you the desires of your heart.

 ⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;
   trust in him and he will do this:
⁶ He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
   your vindication like the noonday sun.

 ⁷ Be still before the LORD
   and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
   when they carry out their wicked schemes.

 ⁸ Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
   do not fret—it leads only to evil.
⁹ For those who are evil will be destroyed,
   but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land."

Psalm 37:1-9

Thank you, God for your perfect timing

The peanut at 6 weeks

God's miracle at 12 weeks