Who is in control?

After I gave birth to Ella, I suffered with post-partum depression. It was pretty bad for about a month. During this time I became obsessed with the idea that I was going to die. Everything feeling I got I thought meant my life was about to end. I am so thankful for all the prayer and support our family received through that time. Three different people said almost the exact same thing to me while I was dealing with these emotions and fear. They said, "Now is the time to believe what you have always said you believe." That stuck with me, especially because three completely unrelated people made this statement to me. I have claimed for many years to be a Christ-follower. I have quoted verses, preached about trusting God and said I was a Christian. All of these statements were true, but now I was faced with overwhelming emotion that I was allowing to control me. It was time for me to believe and live out what I've always said and preached. With God's help and guidance, I was able to do this. Sometimes it is still a struggle, but turning to Him is the answer.

'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26

Now is the time to do what we say we do. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6

I share this now because of the reaction Christians have had to the election. I think it is ok to be frustrated and angry (a healthy anger). But now is the time for us to believe what we have always said we believe. God is in control. He will protect us. He is in the business of doing miracles. Let's band together as believers. Let's pray for our President and our country. Let's remember who is on the throne. And let us remember who put Obama into office. 

"He changes times and seasons;

    he deposes kings and raises up others.
He gives wisdom to the wise
    and knowledge to the discerning."

Daniel 2:21 

Praying that Obama and the other leaders learn to serve with this knowledge and discernment. 

Women's Rights

My mind has been going crazy for the last 24 hours. Ever since I voted yesterday, I've had a sick feeling in my stomach. God delivered me from intense anger two years ago, but there is one thing that can bring that anger back up in my stomach and that is politics. I can handle most ignorant comments from either side. I have swallowed my tongue quite a few times, but there is one issue that I will address and that is abortion, disguised as "women's rights." People often say that if we take away abortion or overturn Roe V. Wade we will be taking away a woman's right to choose. People forget about the tiny little women who have no voice. On December 1, 2011, my life changed forever, and for the better, by finding out I would give birth to one of these little women. Did I know at the time that Ella would be a woman? No. Do I know now what kind of grown woman she will be? No. But God knew and He knows the answer to both of those questions.

"You have searched me, Lord,

    and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you."

Psalm 139:1-18

When we allow abortion to continue, we take away the rights of the unborn, both male and female. Girls, teens and women alive and well want the right to choose whether they kill another human being that is growing inside of them and is a part of them. We often forget that most of those women (and I say MOST) had a choice before they got pregnant. Some chose to have sex before they were married, some chose to have sex without birth control, some chose to have sex knowing the risks it would cause them. What about those choices? People do not want to be held responsible for their decisions, they want an easy way out. That is where a lot of the problems in our country stem from, but most of those other problems do not involve the life of a helpless human. 

Now I know all of the arguments for abortion. Some are hard to refute. What about rape, incest or life of the mother. I do not have a pleasant, tie it up with a bow response to that. My heart breaks for those women. I pray for restoration and healing for them. But they survived an event I cannot even imagine. But their baby, whether they wanted that baby or not, will probably not survive another tragic event, the end of their life in their mother's womb.

The next argument does not break my heart, it starts a burning anger in the pit of my stomach. The baby is not really a human, it is an embryo. When I went in for my ultrasound at 5 weeks pregnant, there was a heartbeat. There was a tiny little peanut on the screen with a beating heart. When I went in for my ultrasound at 18 weeks, sweet little peanut became Ella Jan (though that was decided long before 18 weeks). No person now or will ever convince me that life does not begin at conception. It does. People can try to make themselves feel better about innocent human life being taken, but it will not change the fact that there is a beating heart.

Yesterday I went to bed crying because I voted for someone who was pro-choice. A day that I knew would come. It broke my heart. In evaluating discussions I had with many people over the past few weeks, I realized that a lot of votes are based on selfishness. This made me evaluate my voting. If Barack Obama was going to overturn Roe V. Wade would I have voted for him? I guess I cannot say for sure, but my answer at this moment is yes. I now and will most likely will forever vote for the most pro-life candidate. I am determined to give a voice to those who do not have one.

I know that this post may offend some. I won't apologize for that. The truth offends.

My inspiration

I continue to learn so much from my little inspiration. I have to make so many decisions for her and not care what others think. She is teaching me to not care what anyone thinks but God. He is the one who that matters. I need to trust Him in how to raise my sweet girl, not everyone that surrounds me. If I try to please everyone around me, I will fail.

This became obvious at church a few Sundays ago. Before church even started, someone told me Ella was too hot, someone told me Ella was too cold, someone asked me why I was talking to her (um...because she is a person) someone said she had bad allergies (the pediatrician says we could not know that at this point). And finally, the last straw, a woman said, "I don't know why you young girls insist on putting those headbands on your girls' heads. They are probably squeezing them and hurting them and they can't tell you." I proceeded to respond, "Yes, she knows how to tell me. She can scream..."

So, if I tried to please all these people Ella would be naked on top and have tights and sweat pants on the bottom, she would be ignored by her mom, be getting allergy shots and continue to be called a boy because apparently  unless she has a headband on, she looks like a male baby!

I learned from this scenario that I just need to ask the MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE for answers. Of course, I can hear the advice of other people, and sometimes I even ask for it, but ultimately God gave Ella to me and Jason for a reason, because He believes we can care for her. Not only did God write Jeremiah 29:11 for me, He also wrote it for Ella Jan!

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity."
Jeremiah 29:11

As far as I can tell, Ella likes her hair accessories. And she has inspired me to start a business with my friend. The Lila-Pop Shop! https://www.facebook.com/TheLilaPopShop

Thank you, God, for giving me a new inspiration! Your beautiful Creation. 

Lessons from a newborn

This is Ella

Ella Jan

There are many lessons to be learned from Ella. I will discuss two of these lessons today. The first one I did not learn directly from Ella, but from having her. People don't tell you the whole truth. This is sort of a joke, but also true. No one explained to me that once I gave birth, nothing would be normal again. I knew that a lot would change, but I guess I did not realize EVERYTHING would change! When I said this to one of my close friends, Nicole, through tears the other day, she patiently looked at me and said, "Molly, I could never explain to you what this was going to be like, you just have to live it." Wise, wise words. You can't explain motherhood until you have experienced it. As another wise friend, Beth, said, "It is the hardest job you will ever love." I adore my sweet Ella Jan. She is an amazing gift of God, and that brings me to my next lesson that this amazing bundle has taught me...something about our relationship with God.

Faith like a child....
If you grew up going to church, you probably have heard the idea of coming to God with faith like a child. I "knew" what this meant for years, but until having Ella, didn't really get it.

As I was rocking and feeding Ella one day I started thinking about how much she trusts me. Completely and 100% she trusts me. She believes I will meet her needs and take care of her. Ella had this faith as soon as she was born. She will continue to believe in me and trust me until I fail her. When she stops having faith in me or her faith waivers, it will be because I make a mistake.

God revealed something to me that day. When I don't have faith in Him, when I question if He will take care of me, I'm telling Him He has failed me. There has been some point in the past when He made a mistake and did something to make me not trust Him. God has never failed me and He never will.

Deuteronomy 31:6

New International Version (NIV)

⁶ Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

This is why God wants us to come to Him as little children, because those children come without baggage. They believe and trust with no question. They have complete faith.

Mark 10:13-15

New International Version (NIV)

¹³ People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. ¹⁴ When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. ¹⁵ Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”

I need to be Ella in my relationship to God. I need to cry out to Him when I need Him and have complete faith that He will answer me and provide for my every need. Jesus' blood never failed me yet.

Motherhood

(If you follow my sister-in-law's blog, I swear I started writing this before she posted about Willow's birth)

The adventure of motherhood begins the second the stick has two pink lines (or has a positive sign or whatever the heck brand you buy...) but you don't get what it really means until the baby is here. The first 9 (technically 10) months I spent worrying about Ella. I read books, read way too many opinions online and had things planned out. My water would break after working all the way to my due date and labor would be fantastic. Then I would stay in the hospital for 2 days and skip out to the car with my sweet bundle of joy to an organized and clean house to begin this next amazing journey with Jason.

The only thing that worked out in this plan is that I'm on this amazing journey with Jason and that our daughter brings so much joy. Aside from that, once again, God showed me that we can plan all we want, but ultimately He is in control and it is just better to submit to that off the bat. Obviously, I had not.

As stated in previous blogs, I was put on semi-bedrest in the middle of May. (not in my plan) I wanted our sweet baby so much, that it was fine. I would do what I had to do. I would stop working and I was going to lay on my left side as much as possible.

I commented on this situation in the blog "worrier." So I don't need to go back there. Fast forward a few months. I had made it past 35 weeks, which was what the doctor wanted. Let's go right to July 17. I had a doctor's appointment in the morning. My mom came with me (I stopped going by myself when I had to frantically find someone to drive me to the hospital one of the six times I went to get monitored). They decided to do the ultrasound first. After laying there for 15 minutes I knew something was up. The tech told me she had passed 2 of the 3 parts of the ultrasound but we needed to wait 15 more minutes and if she didn't move or her if she did and her heart rate didn't go up the doctor would probably send me to the hospital for monitoring. She was breathing and her heart was beating, but she was still considered in "slight" distress. 15 minutes went by and she didn't move so it was time to talk to the doctor. After 10 minutes the doctor turned the corner and said "Ready to have a baby?" Um...I thought I was but not so sure anymore, plus, this isn't what I planned. I still have 25 questions to ask and a cervix to get dialated! But alas, I was going to be induced! It is funny how badly I wanted Ella to be here, until they told me it was time, then I thought "hm...maybe there is something else I could have done to get ready?"

My mom and I drove to the hospital in the midst of texting and calling (JASON, WE ARE HAVING A BABY TODAY!!). When I got there, they put me in a room and hooked me up to the monitor, checked me, no dialation and said we will probably do cervadil, that has to stay in 12 hours and then pitocin to get labor started. BOO. This is not what I planned. Suddenly, Ella's heart rate spiked. It was staying between 190-200 for about 15 minutes. I had to then put on an oxygen mask and lay on my left side. Her heart rate went back down and the nurse let me know that before we did anything Dr. was going to watch the monitors until her office closed and then come talk to me about our options. This was about 2 PM (we had gotten there about 1 PM). 4ish rolls around. She has been moving and her heart rate went down, but now it wouldn't go up when she moved and this was also a problem.

Doctor showed up, explained what we would need to do for me to go into labor (and explained that she wouldn't be there for at least 24 hours) or I could have a c-section. First of all, NONE of this was in "my perfect plan." Second of all, why was I paying the doctor if it was my choice (now that I am rational I understand why, technically, the baby wasn't in distress and it wasn't an emergency so she couldn't make me have a c-section). I cried. Got some advice from family and then Jason and I prayed together and talked it through. Ultimately, we decided to have the c-section. We called our doctor back into the room to let her know our decision and ask her opinion. She thought that I would end up with a c-section after terrible labor anyway because she didn't think Ella would tolerate labor. This conversation happened around 4:30 PM

From the word "Go" everything went so fast. I  had amazing nurses and awesome doctors. God overwhelmed me with so much peace the entire time. I didn't feel anything (not even the tugging they said I would feel). Jason was amazing and Ella was born at 5:58 PM on July 17, 2012. She was 8 lbs. 1 oz. and screamed like crazy (Jason kept saying, "That's the best sound I ever heard")

Recovering from a c-section is difficult. I am so grateful for our nurses, family and friends. God is so good. Jason helped so much in the hospital and my recovery was not nearly as bad as other people.

Nothing about Ella's birth day was how I expected it would be. To be honest, I thought it was going to go terribly wrong and something was going to be wrong with one or both of us. God decided He had a different plan and oh am I thankful He is in control and not me. I will write more about the adjustments of motherhood as time goes on. For now, remember that no matter how things are going or what we expect, God's plans and purposes are far better than our own!

First Family Picture

Mother and Daughter

Daddy loves his girl

Ella Jan

Worrier.

If you follow my blog, you will realize I am a worrier. If you have known me for more than one second, you know I am a worrier. This is not a fun thing to be. It is not enjoyable. It is also a big fat sin. I have these phases too. I'll be doing really well for a long time and then BAM, crazy worry. I got that BAM about 10-12 weeks into pregnancy (if you ask my nurse practitioner, she would say it was one second after I saw the two pink lines...but details, details). Each stage of pregnancy has brought on a new set of worries.

The brain of pregnant Me: First trimester, miscarriage. Second trimester, make it to 27 weeks...make it to 27 weeks. Third trimester, make it to 35 weeks, make it to 35 weeks. After 35 weeks: When will the baby come? Is she moving? Is she moving enough? 37 weeks GET HER OUT OF ME, SHE'LL BE OK IF SHE IS OUT OF ME! 


Yes. I know. I've repeated verses back to myself over and over. This helps, but not all the time. Being on limited bed rest I think makes it easier to worry. I have LOTS of time to think about all the things that could be wrong etc. I have always been the person who thinks of the absolute worst case scenario, so if something bad happens, and it isn't the worst case scenario, then hey, bonus! I realize that by doing this I am sinning. I am not trusting God. I am not realizing who He is and His faithfulness. I honestly sometimes think to myself, "The moment I start fully trusting God is the moment He will take away something." This is ridiculous. I mean, it could happen, but if that did happen, does that change who He is? That He loves me? That He is faithful? NO! So why do I continue to let satan win, the big JERK!? 


I'm not even sure why I am writing this blog. I started writing it because I hadn't felt the baby move in a while and I was going back and forth about calling the doctor. About 2 minutes into writing this blog she started moving around like crazy and pretty much hasn't stopped! PRAISE GOD! To be honest, I think I needed to get my thoughts out, needed to be honest, and maybe help someone else realize they aren't alone if they worry too. Most importantly, when I write these blogs I try to find verses to go along with what I'm saying. Here is one I've read many times, I may have used it before. I'm using it again. 


"²⁶ In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. ²⁷ And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."

Romans 8:26-28

Point: I can't stop worrying on my own. As I sit here and try to will myself to stop worrying, it doesn't work. I have to ask the Spirit to intercede for me. I have to ask the Spirit to fill me and consume me so my thoughts are not my own. Spirit of the living God, fall afresh on me!

Two kinds of women

When you become pregnant, your world becomes an open invitation for opinions, advice and stares. One thing I have realized after hearing all these opinions is that there are mainly two kinds of women. The women who LOVE being pregnant and the women who LOVE giving birth and the days following. Hopefully I fall into category two because I don't fall into category one.

 I've struggled the past seven months. Physically it hasn't been terrible. I wasn't sick at all. I am on blood pressure medication and on limited bed rest, which is wonderful for my tan and not so great for my husband's sanity and our pocketbook, but all in all, it has been a blessed pregnancy. So why don't I LOVE it, because I worry. Every feeling, change and abnormality (which are considered normal in pregnancy and abnormal when not pregnant) I wonder what the heck is going on and if everything is ok with the little sweet girl God is growing inside.

I have some GREAT news though, I woke up today EXCITED! PUMPED! And PEACEFUL! It is the first time in months that I've just had shear excitement about our baby coming into the world. I am so thankful for the prayers of our amazing friends and family and the wisdom God has given the doctors and nurses that have been taking care of me.

Now, I will always be honest about pregnancy and how I feel about it. Some people say "don't say those things, it is a beautiful miracle." I agree, pregnancy is a beautiful miracle. I am not sure I understand how a woman could go through pregnancy and come out the other end thinking there is no God. (I know women who have gone through pregnancy and then a terrible tragedy of losing their baby and they still have come out the other end believing in God). But, I will also say that there are some weird things that happen when you are pregnant. I also think all these weird, crazy uncomfortable things prove even more the existence of God. If these things were happening to me and I wasn't pregnant, my husband would be rushing me to the hospital, but because I'm pregnant, we understand God has my body responding this way for a reason, so we attribute it to pregnancy and move on.

So this blog, what is the point. To be honest, my pregnant, blood pressure medication filled brain isn't 100% sure. It is a mix of opinions and thoughts that might not even flow, but it feels nice to have them out of my head. Though nothing I've said previously may have pointed to this idea, but ultimately I want to say that pregnancy is a miracle, intended and created by God, and even though it feels like Ella just kicked my hip out of place, I am grateful and blessed to have this experience. I thank God for this miracle and pray for those who yearn for it and may or may not experience it. I will continue to say to those who are hurting, that I've been there and God knows and has a purpose and even if you don't have the experience of carrying a baby and giving birth, try to see the miracles He has and will give you (one of which being that someone gave birth to you) Focusing on His miracles will pull you through the sadness!

"You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples." Psalm77:14

Our miracle saying, "Mommy, things are good!" 

30 weeks

• 
  

Becoming Less

I called this blog Becoming Less for the double meaning. I started out by sharing my weight loss journey and how God helped me get there. I also wanted to share how by through this process (and others) God was becoming more and I was becoming less.

"HE MUST BECOME GREATER; I MUST BECOME LESS." JOHN 3:30

Pregnancy has brought new meaning to this verse for me. With pregnancy, you don't have a choice. He has to become EVERYTHING. You can do everything right for 9 months and you could lose your baby. You can do everything wrong for 9 months and the baby could be perfectly healthy. That's not to say that I'm not doing as much "right" as I can to take care of this child, but this experience has given me the COMPLETE reality that I am not in control. I've tried for the last 29 years to be in control and for the past 29 years, I have not been in control. I thought I was (and I've definitely screwed some things up by thinking I was), but I have not been in control at all. 

I have discovered this push and pull of feelings. In one way, I love that God is in complete control. I mean, who else would I rather have control over my pregnancy and our baby than the MASTER AND CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE.  On the other hand, it is so scary to not be able to do anything. We have prayed and desired this baby for years and I want them to be ok. On one hand, I know tons and tons of babies born and healthy! On the other hand, I have many friends who have lost children through pregnancy and after. So I am learning one lesson. Not that I must become less and He must become more (though this is true...) but frankly, He must become everything and I must remember....

 I waited patiently for the LORD;
   He turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
   out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock
   and gave me a firm place to stand.
³ He put a new song in my mouth,
   a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
   and put their trust in Him.

 ⁴ Blessed is the one
   who trusts in the LORD,
who does not look to the proud,
   to those who turn aside to false gods.^[b]
5 Many, LORD my God,
   are the wonders You have done,
   the things You planned for us.
None can compare with You;
   were I to speak and tell of Your deeds,
   they would be too many to declare.

 ⁶ Sacrifice and offering You did not desire—
   but my ears You have opened^[c]—
   burnt offerings and sin offerings^[d] You did not require.
⁷ Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—
   it is written about me in the scroll.^[e]
8 I desire to do Your will, my God;
   Your law is within my heart.”

 ⁹ I proclaim Your saving acts in the great assembly;
   I do not seal my lips, LORD,
   as You know.
¹⁰ I do not hide Your righteousness in my heart;
   I speak of Your faithfulness and Your saving help.
I do not conceal Your love and Your faithfulness
   from the great assembly.

 ¹¹ Do not withhold Your mercy from me, LORD;
   may Your love and faithfulness always protect me.
¹² For troubles without number surround me;
   my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
   and my heart fails within me.
¹³ Be pleased to save me, LORD;
   come quickly, LORD, to help me.

 ¹⁴ May all who want to take my life
   be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
   be turned back in disgrace.
¹⁵ May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
   be appalled at their own shame.
¹⁶ But may all who seek You
   rejoice and be glad in You;
may those who long for Your saving help always say,
   “The LORD is great!”

 ¹⁷ But as for me, I am poor and needy;
   may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
   you are my God, do not delay.

Psalm 40

Trials and Blessings

We all go through trials. The beginning, (this is where I am scared), the middle (this is where I ask why), and the end (this is where I wonder if it is the end or the beginning of another trial). Before I was married, I did not go through a TON of trials. Most of the trials I went through were happening to other people. These were people that I cared about, so I learned from them and the trials influenced me, but I was not actually going through them myself.

Then I got married. Some people may chuckle here. I do not think that my trials were a result of my marrying too young or being naive when I got married. God planned it that way. He provided a support for me in Jason. He wanted me to have an earthly support to walk beside me, literally.

I could share all the trials that we went through in the past 6 years and 7 months of marriage, but we would be here for a while. Instead, I will share one, the beginning, the middle and thankfully the end, that begins a new season. A season of blessing and lessons that I am excited and nervous to learn. I will also share how this new blessing is making me become less (though that may be part two for sake of length, and the fact that I need to get ready for work).

This trial began over 3 years ago. One day Jason and I were sitting in the driveway at our rented house in Lakewood (thanks to a trial of our wonderful brother and sister...) and I turned to Jason and said, "I want to be a mom, so we need to go off birth control." Jason turned to me with big saucer blue eyes (which only become saucers when he is shocked) and said, "I thought you told me last week you were not ready for kids and were not even sure if you wanted to have any." My reply, "One time, my sister Heidi told me I'd wake up and suddenly, and I would want kids. She was right. I literally opened my eyes this morning and for some strange reason decided I want to have children..." We debated about this for a while. He wasn't ready. I explained that just because we decided today to start "trying" that we would not have a baby tomorrow. Boy was I right.

I went to the doctor, took the necessary steps and was warned by some that it may take up to a year, and warned by others that with the history of fertility in my family I would be pregnant by next month. And so it began, the many "words of wisdom" of people trying to help and giving you opposite advice.

We tried for a year. Went back to the doctor. She said after 12 months of "trying" I would now be considered "struggling with infertility." At this point, we had some choices to make, start infertility testing, and the options that came with that, or keep doing what we were doing. We decided to wait. (There were many other trials going on, dad sick, husband laid-off etc...) Timing did not seem right.

Over the course of the next few years, God worked on us in many other areas. The entire time, going through other trials, this one was still in the back of my mind. For me, I had ups and downs. I had times when I could not attend baby showers because it broke my heart. I yearned for a child. (Jason did not really get this. Men have different feelings about children than women, not wrong, just different). He would hold me and pray for me. Through this time God placed amazing women in my life. Women who struggled with the same thing, who gave me advice. Women who chose different options, some invitro, some nothing, some adoption. I learned a lot about what we should do and what we should not do (side note, don't stop trying. This was the FUNNIEST piece of advice anyone gave me. Stop trying. Um, if I stop trying I DEFINITELY will not get pregnant).

 After a few years of praying, waiting and other areas of life "falling into place." We decided to start testing. At this point, I had lost weight and become much healthier, through the wisdom of people and through God's hand, so we both thought my body could handle a lot more. Even before we got testing, we went into the doctor's visit with decisions already made. This was an EXCELLENT piece of advice we got from someone. Decide before you go in, because whatever result, you want to make the decision that God has led you to, not doctors or your emotions.

The advice of our wonderful nurse practitioner was to start testing with Jason. Easier, quicker and least invasive. We did. Results were not surprising, but disappointing. There was only a small percent chance of us having children naturally, unless Jason got a minor, outpatient surgery, which would cause the percentage to come up. Ok, not the best news ever, but not the worst news. At this point, last spring, we decided that we would wait until January 2012, when we knew we could upgrade our health insurance and Jason would get surgery.

Throughout these months, I continued to have ups and downs. The downs came at really random times. And satan liked to whisper lies to me. "You aren't pregnant because you will be a terrible mother." "You aren't pregnant cause you are supposed to adopt, but you will never have enough money." "Jason doesn't really love you anyway, so you don't want a baby with him." Most of the time, I would tell him to go back to hell and tell myself the truth. God is faithful and He knows the desires of our hearts. I knew I would be a mom. I didn't know how it would happen, but I knew I would be a mom. So what, maybe this was happening because we are supposed to adopt. Either way, I am ready whenever He is!

December 1st. I went to Community Bible Study in the morning. We were talking about Elisha. His perseverance in prayer. I shared with our group, for the first time, that we were persevering in praying for a baby. I cried. Thought I was past the crying, but I guess I wasn't. My friend, T,  shared that they were persevering in prayer for  a job for her husband. We talked about that again after core group time and then went in for the big "lecture" (doesn't sound as bad as the word lecture...) Another friend, B, gave a God breathed message. "If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31. 3 points: 1.) If God is for us than no nation can come against us. (what is your nation? money, insecurities, health?) 2.) If God is for us, no king can come against us. (who is your king? A boss, spouse, friend) 3.) If God is for us, no laws of science can come against us. (what laws of science? health problems, financial problems, logic?) T and I looked at each other, "well I guess that message was for us." When I got home, Jason was off and we were going to get our Christmas tree, but I needed to do something first. I had been putting it off for a few days because I had done it so many times before with negative results. But hey, if God is for me, no law of science can be against me. I took a pregnancy test. I set it down on the floor and within 15 seconds it changed.


POSITIVE. My reaction actually surprised me. I just got this contented smile on my face and felt complete peace. I thought I would be dramatic, jump up and down and bawl my eyes out. Instead, I just felt joy. Joy brought on by waiting and struggling to trust God's timing. Joy brought on by the fact that this baby (ALL BABIES) are miracles, and that God had to do a healing work for this to happen. There was no surgery, there were no doctors. There was God and His perfect will and His joy in blessing His children when He felt the time was right.

I told Jason that I had an early Christmas present to give him (I am notorious for this and at this point he had already unwrapped two, and it was December 1st). He said, "No," but I explained that he wanted this one early. I showed him the test. His eyes got like big blue saucers and then he got a contented smile on his face. We hugged.

I went back and forth in sharing this story. Obviously, I am overwhelmed with joy and humbled by God's goodness and HIS perfect timing. I am also overwhelmed by many friends who are currently struggling with infertility or the loss of a child and waiting on God's timing in their lives. My awesome sister-in-law encouraged me to blog. She said, "you need to scream from the rooftops about God's miracle." That is why I share this story. I know if you are struggling you are tired of the cliches and sentiments people are passing on. Read this story. Believe that God is the God of miracles right here and in your life.

" ¹ Do not fret because of those who are evil 

   or be envious of those who do wrong;
² for like the grass they will soon wither,
   like green plants they will soon die away.

 ³ Trust in the LORD and do good;
   dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
⁴ Take delight in the LORD,
   and he will give you the desires of your heart.

 ⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;
   trust in him and he will do this:
⁶ He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
   your vindication like the noonday sun.

 ⁷ Be still before the LORD
   and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
   when they carry out their wicked schemes.

 ⁸ Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
   do not fret—it leads only to evil.
⁹ For those who are evil will be destroyed,
   but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land."

Psalm 37:1-9

Thank you, God for your perfect timing

The peanut at 6 weeks

God's miracle at 12 weeks